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New low in the petty baby name stealing wars

4 weeks ago 19

Katy Perry is a baby name thief.

The singer gave birth to her first kid this week and dubbed it Daisy Dove – a name radio host Fifi Box reckons was pinched off her own daughter, Daisy Belle, when she met the singer earlier this year during a bushfire relief concert.

People get so sensitive about their baby names – friendships have ended all because of a pinched name.

I know someone who got irate when their sister stole their unborn baby’s name and used it for her new dog.

Stealing someone’s treasured baby name and using it on your dog is just offensive and honestly a shining example of the kind of passive aggressive behaviour I aspire to.

I hate dogs but I now have a burning desire just to buy one each time a friend gets pregnant so I can steal their baby name.

NICOLE KIDMAN: ONE OF THE PEOPLE. SORT OF.

It’s so difficult being rich in the world today – you can’t even charter a private jet without everyone thinking you’re obnoxious.

You sail up the east coast of Australia on your super yacht to bypass Queensland’s border shutdown and all of a sudden the government wants to get involved. People are no fun anymore.

Nicole Kidman knows first hand the pitfalls of being rich. She’s in damage control to prove she’s one of the people after being slammed for her rich person behaviour.

Everyone got up in arms the other week when she flew into Australia on her jet and then bypassed hotel quarantine to isolate at her country mansion instead.

“They think she’s better than us!” trolls fumed. “Special treatment!”

Well, lesson learned. She’s now up in Byron Bay filming that new TV show based on another one of those Liane Moriarty books and she’s getting back to basics.

She was papped pounding the pavement on a quick run. The photos seemed unspectacular – but take a closer look. It’s 2020 and Nicole Kidman is still using old-timey tangled headphones instead of those wanky cordless buds that cost a zillion dollars.

She truly is one of the people and now I don’t feel like such a loser for still using my old-timey tangled headphones. It’s so humiliating when you’re wearing them and then you pass a bunch of teenagers with those fancy white buds lodged in their ears. And then they jump into their P-plated Audis.

There’s nothing more humiliating than a kid who has a grander lifestyle than you. At a pedestrian crossing the other day there was a toddler next to me who was wearing Nudie jeans and sipping a Campos babyccino. Nicole Kidman’s using old-timey headphones while babies are running around in designer denim and drinking premium coffee.

On that run, as the wind whipped around the cord of her headphones and it tangled even more, Nicole was relatable. But only for a fleeting moment. Halfway through the run she got bored and was papped jumping into a golf cart and cruising away. The private jet was probably being washed.

BREAKING: HEMSWORTHS HATE SHOES AGAIN

This is an urgent dispatch filed from the coastline of Byron Bay.

Regular readers of this column will recall the months-long campaign we’ve championed to get the Hemsworths into footwear. To say we’ve been concerned is an understatement.

Ever since they blew into Byron Bay and set up stumps, they’ve been running around that town barefoot. It got to the point where we were even willing to accept a Croc or a service station thong.

Anyway, we spoke and they listened. A few weeks ago they were snapped out and about wearing shoes. It’s a stunning example of the impact great journalism has.

But old habits die hard. Chris and the kids were papped this week padding around sans shoes again.

Honestly, it’s two steps forward and seven barefoot steps back with that family.

More updates as they come to hand.

20 TO ONE: KAREN EDITION

The meteoric rise of Karens has relieved hipsters of their time as a punchline.

For years, hipsters around the globe have been the butt of jokes. They penetrated the zeitgeist and inspired entire characters in literature and on screen. Their beards and ironic sweaters and yen for all things homemade have been skewered mercilessly and grabbed news headlines. They became the punching bag of society. No matter our background or spirituality, we all silently agreed that hipsters needed to be taken down a peg.

It made sense. Anyone who rides a unicycle while drinking artisanal moonshine should be made fun of.

Still, there are only so many sarcastic jokes we can make about kombucha and time was running out to find a new sub-demographic we could all be annoyed by.

It was a toss up. At first we considered the anti-vaxxers but we didn’t want them to curse us with a magic spell. And then Karens reared their chunky highlights and we fell in love instantly.

There are now so many Karens! They’re all essentially the same but with slight variations – like really judgy Barbies with extremely layered bobs. Collect them all!

There needs to be a Karen edition of that 20 To One show – counting down our favourite Karens. Who is crowned the number one Karen? It’s a hard choice – it’s definitely a horse race between Karen From Brighton and Bunnings Karen.

I’m looking forward to seeing all the children wandering around the neighbourhood dressed as Karen for Halloween.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

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